The Minister’s Real Speech (2021 remix)

Minister Norma Dolores Foley-Umbridge

Hem, Hem. Hello, is this turned on?

Good afternoon my dear teachers, my colleagues. I know that you were unable to invite me today, and that’s such a pity, because I have such good news to share with you.

I know this is a one way video, and also that my twitter machine only seems to work one-way, but I can just imagine all of your smiling faces looking up at me as we have such fun at conference.

Well, it is lovely to be back at conference, and there are a few messages that I’m sure you’ll be delighted to hear.

We at the Ministry care about education. We encourage innovation and change.
Sometimes, we like change for change’s sake, so long as it doesn’t cost us too
much. Sometimes, we need to prune. Especially if you’re up to something too
expensive for our tastes.

First, Schools Are Safe™.
I know that this is true because Micheál has told me. That nasty virus does not
affect our Wonderful Children so you know that you can be safe when you’re in

We have done everything in our power, that we’re bothered to do. We’ve told
you to open the windows and have given you permission to turn on the heating
for more than five minutes a day. We’ve told you just what kind of mask we’d
recommend that you buy from your own money.

Oh, I have heard rumours that some of you think that smaller class sizes
would help. This is not true, and if I hear any of you repeating it, then you
will have detention – and will be expecting you to write out “I Must Not
Tell Lies” until you get the message.

So really, listen to all I’ve said and then just do what I say, not what I
do in that lovely Convention Centre. Soo much space.

Second, You Will Get Your Vaccine
Again, this will happen when we’re good and ready, or have our stuff together,
or when we can be bothered, whichever is later.

Now, I can almost hear the trouble-makers say that the government has
changed the vaccination schedule. Piffle, I say. The vaccination schedule is as
it always has been. There have been no changes, and if you thought it was going
to be May, or June, then you surely realise that we actually meant August or
September (or possibly later)

I honestly don’t know what the fuss is because, as we all know, Schools Are Safe™

Now, I have Exciting News!
Our latest ICT grants have come out, and you’ll be delighted to know that we
have allocated lots of money to ICT. Now, it may look like we have cut it by
about half, but look at my smile, and listen as I tell you how much you did
get! It’s wonderful!

Extra good news because we have been able to secure magical machines that
won’t need replacing in a few years, so in the year 2035, you’ll be able to
(expected to, even) keep working with the machines we’ll let you buy in

Now, you may not be able to get them all in one go, but you could always
bake up an industrial quantity of rice crispy buns and sell them to each other!

Apparently, there have been some ruptions about support for children who
have , hem, hem extra needs. Apparently Josepha got in trouble for using the
word ‘normal’ so I’d better tread carefully.


As I said, I am firmly in the corner of these children.

I will stand by their needs and be fully aware of their needs. However, that
doesn’t mean that I’m actually going to DO anything. Changing the way that
things are done is not why I got in to politics.
But, I cannot stress enough that I’m for those children. I’ll use lots of words
to say so, (but just don’t go expecting anything like extra funding, more SNAs,
allocations for next year and the like)

So that’s it from me for now! Remember, the Ministry supports you, and if you have an issue please see me for detention once we’re back in school.  I’ll ask you to keep your distance from me.  Oh, and do bring a quill.

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